The last month has been the wildest time of my life. I don’t even know how to begin to tell this story. But let me try.
Less than two years ago, I felt like my life was out of control. I felt powerless and unclear for the first time ever. I no longer knew who I wanted to be when I grew up.
I’d just walked away from a business I thought would be my forever business. And honestly, I did it on nothing more than a gut feeling that couldn’t be ignored. I just KNEW that I was on the wrong track.
In the past, whenever I’ve made big life choices from my gut, the right path has magically opened up for me on the other side. This was not the case when I left Phhnix. Instead, I floundered.
My mind told me I needed to launch another business immediately. I tried, but I couldn’t summon the enthusiasm for it. Nothing had me excited enough to push through the discomfort and nerves.
So I just kind of … surrendered. But not in a powerful, “I CHOOSE SURRENDER” way. I was more of an “I give up; I’m going to wait until I feel like working again before I do anything.”
I had William. We moved back home to Mum’s. Not only was I not working, but I also wasn’t being a great parent or even looking after myself that well. I was on autopilot – pure survival mode.
And then, of course, came the great turnaround. I’ve shared a lot about the moment I decided that enough was enough. I started going to the beach every day. I created the Awareness Journal and began a daily practice of self-introspection. I started to LOVE myself the way I deserved. My entire life changed. The way I FELT about life changed.
I made a choice as I embarked upon this journey. The choice was to trust myself. I decided to get out of my ‘head’ and let my body guide me forward.
I get that this sounds woo-woo. Let me divert for a minute and try to explain it better.
Our thoughts tell us what to do. But thoughts are not real. Thoughts come from the mind. They come from the ego (identity). Thoughts come from our early programming and perspective of the world and are designed to keep us stuck exactly where we are. It’s a survival mechanism. The mind craves the predictable because the predictable means safety.
Consider our very early history. If an early human saw a cave bear near the river, their thoughts would tell them not to go to that place again. Thoughts will always try to protect us by predicting what is safe and what is unsafe based on our experience to date.
But thoughts lie. They “try” to predict, but nothing is predictable. We think we can control our lives, but we control nothing. Everything can be taken from us at the drop of a hat – think of natural disasters, death, unexpected accidents. Think of the universe’s complexity; it is almost laughable to think we can control any of it.
Just because a cave bear was over by the river that one time doesn’t mean it will be there again. DESPITE what the mind says.
Luckily, we have another means of deciphering the world—our instinct.
Early humans would have been deeply connected to their instincts. Instinct lives in the body. Early humans, without the distractions of modern society, would have had much better access to it.
So, even though a thought might pop up to avoid that part of the river, an early human might have still risked it based on their deep connection to their instinct.
They might have gotten still and quiet, testing the air, FEELING for danger.
Modern humans rarely do this. Instead, we tend to attach ourselves to thoughts and mindlessly follow them. Listening to the thoughts alone is like living on auto-pilot.
Your thoughts might tell you that they don’t like something someone has said, but go and stare into that person’s eyes for a few minutes, and your body will tell you if you trust them or not.
The most important thing I’ve done over the last 18 months has been to reconnect with my body. I focused on this upon the relentless advice of my previous coach, Sand, with whom I did the Spiral in late 2023. Every question I asked her, every hurdle I faced, every hard moment would have her reminding me to “get into my body”.
Since then, I’ve taken that advice whenever things have felt unclear or I haven’t known my next move. I’ve built a life where being in my body is a non-negotiable.
The Awareness Journal bridges the gap between mind and body. Breathwork plants me firmly in my body. A swim in the ocean gets me into my body. Grounding on the earth connects me back. Yoga does it. The right foods do it. Ceasing to lather my skin with artificial products and fragrances has brought me back. I make 100 small choices daily that help me stay connected to my body and instincts.
Embodied – existing within my body, not my mind.
And so, whenever my thoughts are firing up, I slow them down. I examine them. I filter out what is useful and what is old programming. I come back to my body for the ultimate truth.
Here’s a recent example of how this works for me.
Recently, we had a cyclone on the Gold Coast. It was an exhilarating time. There was an extended lead-up to it, schools and businesses closed, and the news had extensive coverage.
I witnessed my nervous system activating to fight or flight. I felt edgy, caged. I was scared but didn’t know what I was scared of. It all felt very out of control. My usual tools weren’t soothing me the way they usually did. But I reached deep, and my body knew what to do. I needed to get outside.
I spent extended time outdoors during the cyclone’s lead-up and immediately afterwards. I deliberately went barefoot. I deliberately went without distraction. I let myself FEEL the earth and the energy of the storm. It was powerful.
When I was inside with the windows boarded up, bottled water stacked by the couch and the news on repeat, I felt really, really unsafe.
When I was outside with bare feet, feeling the rain on my face and connecting to the storm, I felt completely safe and at ease.
The body knows.
And I trust it.
Cyclone Alfred, 2025.
Let me circle back to the craziness of the last month.
A month ago, I launched The Awareness Journal. Until then, I had felt good about doing the work to prepare it for the public. I fine-tuned the design and wrote a sales page and all the confirmation emails. I finalised pricing, deliverables etc, etc. I worked with my energy and the cycles until I’d done everything that needed doing.
As I went live, though, and started marketing, something felt ‘off’. Not in my thoughts. My thoughts curated everything I knew about business, marketing and sales and kept up incessant chatter about what to do and how to do it.
But my body? It didn’t feel safe.
Whenever I sent a marketing email, I felt heaviness in my body. A heaviness that doesn’t lie.
I could have pushed past that heaviness. That’s what I would have done in the past. Ignored the feeling completely and done what my mind told me was right.
“You need lots of touchpoints”. “You need to talk about this every day”. “You need to share case studies and testimonials.” “You need to share more valuable content to build trust”. Blah, blah, blah.
Instead, I took my foot off the accelerator and took a deep, long pause. I sent four emails in five days and then went radio silent on the launch for over two weeks. Of a four-week launch.
Those two weeks have taught me a lot about myself, how I want to show up in the world, how to be the change I want to see in the world and what I am NOT willing to do anymore.
During that time, I experienced my most potent transformational breathwork practice to date. Transformational Breathwork is an extraordinary practice that brings the subconscious to the surface. It opens you up to many insights from inside your body and helps to release trauma.
Dreamboat is a transformational breathwork coach, and I had carefully scheduled the session to coincide with the eclipse season and the launch. I “thought” it would give me direction on where to take the journal’s marketing, but it gave me so much more.
During the session, I was deeply connected to my body. I writhed and twisted on the floor, lifting my body with each deep inhale of breath. I felt deliciously embodied, sexy, THERE. I felt strong and powerful. I knew myself for who I was – creator, mother, soul.
As I came out of the experience, I noticed that I no longer had any attachment to selling the journal or anything else. I only want to BE who I am. I want to run barefoot, swim naked and dance around the fire. I want to be ALIVE.
Post Breathwork. Changed.
I don’t want to stress and worry about money or the acquisition of it. I only need very little to love my life.
I don’t want to second-guess my desire for another baby. I want to let the universe unveil its plans for me.
I want to be around – present and attuned – for my children. All this self-work has made me a self-assured and confident mother and leader. It’s my season for leaning into them.
As a family, we also decided that Dreamboat would take some contractor work as he continues to pursue his startup – just enough to take the financial pressure off after three years without either of us earning. He’s already started!
I am finally, FINALLY leaning into interdependence. I will never feel ashamed or guilty for taking the time to fulfil the most important societal role – mother.
Two other interesting things happened that are worthy of mention here.
One, I shared an Instagram post that attracted a lot of backlash. During the thick of it, I was very shaky. I questioned my choices and whether the profound certainty and clarity I felt were real. For a moment, I fell back into a place of justification, fawning and needing to be liked and understood.
I’ve shared my follow-up to that post in my Instagram highlights with the title “Smelly” if you want more context. But ultimately, what was important about that post is that it taught me to finally be okay with being misunderstood.
Context to the ‘smelly’ post.
I will always be misunderstood because I exist outside the boundaries of what a safe and respectable society expects. I didn’t get the covid vaccination, I believe in home birth, I don’t feel strongly about Trump one way or the other. I refuse to let other people or the media dictate my beliefs or feelings. My body does that job.
I believe in souls and past lives. I believe there is an agenda to keep humans compliant, small and confused. I believe that most humans exist, at least in part, on autopilot and will die without ever having truly lived.
People can unfollow me, be a keyboard warrior and call me a selfish, smelly asshole – as some literally did this week. People can judge me. They can make me the problem. And none of it matters because I trust myself more than I trust the opinions of others.
The second thing that happened to me was one of the most important moments of my life. And it’s one that I would have missed out on as my past self.
I went to the movies with Makia during the week. It was after the backlash of the smelly post and I was feeling particularly clear on who I am.
I helped Makia choose some candy from the candy bar – maybe a dozen carefully selected, mixed lollies.
As we took her cup to the counter to be measured, the lady informed me that they only sell candy by the cup now. She gently nudged me to go downstairs to Cole’s to buy ten times as much candy for the same price.
I knew how much Makia had enjoyed picking her candy. She doesn’t get much candy and was looking forward to eating it. I leaned down and asked her what she wanted to do. She told me she wanted the candy she had chosen.
The lady asked me if I wanted to fill the cup up. I didn’t. I was poised to pay $10 for 50c worth of mixed lollies when that checkout woman told us just to take it. “My gift”, she said.
I looked her in the eye and said, I will pass it along. (The generosity.) She stilled. She looked back at me. Our eyes were locked. And she said, “I know you will. I can feel it. Your energy is incredible”. And then she kind of sat with that and was awed. Then I was awed. We stood there at the candy checkout of the local cinemas for what felt like an eternity. Our souls met. That woman knew me more in that brief moment than most people I’ve ever met.
All I’ve ever really wanted is to be loved and accepted for who I am. This woman knew nothing about me, and I knew nothing about her. Our egos weren’t involved. There were no thoughts. There was no judgment. There was just seeing and accepting.
That is what I want my life to be like. I want to be felt.
I understand that the human condition will always be in the way of the soul’s knowing. But I don’t lament that anymore. I know that my only job is to recognise the facade again and again and come back to my truth.
It’s a game. Do you see that? It’s a game to be who you are in a world that tells you you’re wrong.
It’s a game to understand the difference between the ‘you’ of your thoughts and the ‘you’ of your body – your soul. Your instincts.
And I intend to play the game with my whole heart.
What’s next? Who knows. I’ll just be following the feeling, my friends. Losing myself to my head, coming back to my body. Pissing people off, probably. Trying to be understood, failing. Not making it about me.
I’ll be doing my best. And it’s all anyone can do.
Love you,
Lauren X
**Originally published to my email database on the 15th of April, 2025**
Subscribe here.
