It’s Monday today. Every Monday morning, I have the kids so that Emmanuel can work. At around 1 PM, we switch over, and I have the chance to move the needle on any projects, catch up on admin, or take some self-care.
My Mondays are often alike. I usually have a slow start and try to get out the door by 9:30 for a gym session, leaving Makia and William in the excellent crèche.
By the time I’ve had a sauna, done my journaling, and caught a 10:30 yoga class, it’s time to grab the kids. We often loiter around the gym, playing in the gardens, looking at the aquarium fish, and running around.
I’m usually home in time to break my fast with a cacao, feed Makia again, and put William to sleep before the clock ticks over to 1:00. Every Monday, I tell myself that THIS Monday will be different. THIS Monday, I’ll do some significant work on further readying my Awareness Journal for sale, working on the book version, writing an email to this database, or sharing some valuable “content” on Instagram.
Spoiler alert: this rarely happens. Instead, I usually follow my cacao with a leisurely meal, slowly make my way to the beach for a swim and some breathwork and potter around the kitchen with the kids underfoot. When I’m following my heart, this is how things generally unfold.
Still, there’s this deep urge to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE. And when I say productive, I really mean something that makes money!
And I hate it!
Rant time.
There is an anger building up inside of me. Mostly, it’s on a gentle simmer in the background, and I continue to enjoy my life. (And I am truly living my best life right now.)
But then something will happen. I’ll see one too many posts from a well-meaning influencer trying to sell me something, I’ll desire to do something I can’t currently afford, I’ll get triggered and into my stories about money, or I’ll convince myself that I can’t have the life that I want unless I go back to WORKING, SELLING, HUSTLING.
And when I get to that point, I become deeply angry that I live in a world where productivity is defined as contributing to commerce – the world of late-stage capitalism.
You see. I might not be a seven-figure entrepreneur at the moment, selling you the solution to your problem and spending all the money I earn off you on solving my own problems, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not meaningfully contributing to the world we live in.
I meaningfully contribute to the world in many ways, each more important, satisfying, purposeful and loving than business ever was to me.
I contribute to the world by considering every dollar I spend and wisely spending my money in a way that most aligns with my values. A disproportionate amount of my weekly budget is spent on food that I source predominantly from growers, small suppliers, independent and organic markets and specialty stores.
I have learned that health is wealth, and the health of our bodies is a result of the food that fuels them. My interest in holistic nutrition has hit a new high, and I’m investing time, money, and energy into researching diet and experimenting in my own kitchen.
I contribute to the world by deeply loving myself. When I love myself and treat myself like a divine, deserving being, I am able to love and empathise with all humans. This gives me compassion and allows me to keep my heart open – not in a woo-woo way, but in a scientific energy field way that means people who cross my path often remember me or go out of their way to have a conversation.
I contribute to the world by supporting my aging mum and stepdad. This doesn’t take a lot of bandwidth yet, but I expect it will as time passes. I help with technology, pay bills online, keep paperwork in check, assist with drop-offs and pick-ups for medical procedures, and I’ve just started slowly taking over the grocery shopping.
My mum regularly laments my help and says she feels bad for taking up my time. I see things very differently. My mum sacrificed many years to raise me, feed me, house me and do the best job that she possibly could to give me a life of opportunity. The very least I can do is allow the cycle to complete – by caring for her as she ages and enjoys the “winter” of her life.
I contribute to the world by raising children from a place of curiosity, respect and presence. I rarely default into auto-pilot and even more rarely revert to mirroring the way I was raised. I recognise my children as complete souls who chose to come down to earth to have this experience with me.
I know it’s my job to guide them, but I balance this by offering them choice and autonomy. I believe there is no such thing as too much kindness, and when I lose it (as all parents do), I always apologise and explain why I behaved the way I did. My kids regularly hear me talk about my nervous system, my emotional state and my triggers.
And the fact that living this considered, conscious, kind, alternate and courageous life means sacrificing HAVING A BUSINESS THAT MAKES LOTS OF MONEY makes me furious!
We should be rewarded for gently raising the next generation, restoring intuitive wisdom about our health and bodies, and being present, open, compassionate humans.
Which has gotten me on a capitalism-hating soap box. This resistance to “what-is” is undoubtedly the very thing standing in the way of my dreams of manifesting my riches. Haha
But the best thing about this awareness is that it’s made me clear about the change I want to see in the world. The most significant aspect of that is a return to community.
I’ve always joked that one day, I’ll start a cult, and I genuinely believe I will. Only my “cult” will be a community of like-minded people who work together to live joyful, abundant lives while raising their children, caring for elders, and restoring rituals and rites of passage back into our lives. These are the pillars of a meaningful life—one of giving and receiving, knowing your place in a community of people, and being guided through the significant milestones that make up a human life.
Today, I came back from my swim and breathwork session at the beach. It had started to rain, so I was soaking wet as I walked home with a big smile on my face. I opted for a warm bath and invited both of my babies to join me despite telling myself I would “DO WORK”. As I surrendered to what was – a season of early motherhood with two children who adore me and want to be in my presence, I decided that I would write a little something. And here I am.
I am so fucking grateful for the choices that I’ve made that have enabled me to have the luxury of space and choice. I might not be able to drop everything and take the family on an overseas trip, or finally make the switch to purely organic food, or even buy a bigger property and start growing my own produce, but I trust that those dreams can manifest very quickly once I am ready for them.
In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the slowly passing days of chaos and love that only a mother in the early years of parenting can know.
I’ll attempt to stop myself from playing the “I should” game, as in – “I should do some work today.” If I rigidly held onto my “shoulds”, I might have an operational business again, but at the cost of these precious moments of surrendering with my babies.
I’ll occasionally share my thoughts so that others know they’re not the only ones questioning the status quo, quietly dissatisfied with their lives, and moving through the days on autopilot.
And importantly, when I do have the next version of the Awareness Journal ready to sell, I’ll put my money where my mouth is and be open to reimagining business. I want to barter again. I want to value trade. I want my skills in life to meaningfully contribute to your life and vice versa. Maybe you’re an organic grower in Queensland and want to trade some produce for my journal. Let’s do it!
I’m realising that I am the one with all the power. It is radiating within me, and it is BIG—bigger than I ever imagined. The anger is just a reminder of that power—I feel it pushing up and out of my chest. I’m no longer scared of it. Instead, it reminds me that I am not some cog in the wheel of society, mindlessly consuming, mindlessly doing what the “experts” say.
Rather, I am a life force with more intelligence in my body than in all the textbooks in the world. When I forget this, as we humans are prone to do in our experience on earth, I only need to calm my mind enough to remember.
If you ever feel insignificant or like you’re going through life on auto-pilot, keep an eye out for the next version of my Awareness Journal, start a breathwork practice, take better care of your body and create space in your life to question WHY things are the way they are. Curiosity is always a doorway to self-knowledge.
I love you.
