In April 2022, I met with my two business partners, and we decided to close Phhnix. That month, we each received our last salary payment from the business.
I felt very good about the decision to close but was very scared about where my next paycheck would come from. My mind desperately searched for ways to ensure that money would continue to flow—maybe I could start a new business straight away, maybe I could do some contract work, maybe I could get back into influencer marketing …
A few opportunities opened up but fell over for one reason or another.
A proposed brand colour palette for a business that never got off the ground. 2022.
And over time I started to experience a crippling feeling of powerlessness over my ability to earn money.
This was interesting. Since leaving my career as a chef, I felt like I had battled all of my money demons. As a chef, I felt constrained by how much I could earn. As an entrepreneur, I have made hundreds of thousands of dollars by following my heart, passions, and life’s flow. But old stories die hard.
As a child, money was a very touchy subject in my household. My dad was a chronic gambler. An addict. He would take his paycheck to the races and come home with nothing. He would forge cheques, lie, steal and once, in an unforgivable act, he borrowed directly from my mum’s mother against her inheritance. (A fact she only found out about after her mother passed and the estate was being divided.)
Although my logical, conscious mind acknowledges that money is good and relatively easy to make, buried deep in my subconscious is a childhood wound and a belief that money is evil. That it corrupts. That money is short.
After my parents separated my beliefs also included a fundamental one – “You have to work hard just to have enough.” This one is from witnessing my mother single-parenting and single-handedly making the mortgage repayments on one wage.
We grew up on a tight budget, where switches were turned off at the wall to save on electricity, takeaway was an annual event and there was nothing left in the budget to indulge our passions or interests.
So, although I had formed new beliefs about money during my entrepreneurial years, those early, formative beliefs were ready and waiting to rise again when the circumstances were right.
The close of Phhnix, when pregnant and vulnerable, turned out to be the perfect storm.
For 19 months, between April 2022 and November 2023, I was on a strict budget.
We moved out of our rental and back home to my mum’s. I audited the money I was spending on food and lowered it dramatically. We stopped eating out and ordering food in. I set up new direct debits and watched every cent with an eagle eye. With our savings and government support, I figured we could survive this way almost indefinitely.
Moving back to my mum’s house felt about as depressing as this photo. 2023.
But in late 2023 something fundamental shifted in me when I started my daily beach swims, created The Awareness Journal and journeyed the Spiral again. (An 8-week chakra clearing program.)
I snapped back into myself and recognised that my thoughts were nothing more than a program designed to keep me operating in the same way I always had—in fear and scarcity.
Because to be completely honest with you, even with all the money I earned in business, I always felt like I didn’t have enough, and I always believed I had to work harder.
When I received my last Phhnix paycheck, we had $100,000 saved—a home deposit. By late 2023, less than half of that was left. I don’t recall the exact figure, but I’d like to say it was around $30,000.
I figured I could continue to budget and fastidiously watch every dollar move in and out of our accounts, or I could try something new …
For things to change, first I must change.
So, I started behaving like the money would never run out.
Let me clarify: That doesn’t mean I started throwing money around randomly and spending indiscriminately—not at all. It means that I started spending whatever it cost to live a life closely aligned with my values, a life that makes me feel expansive.
I updated my wardrobe, completely overhauled my eating habits, tidied up my pantry, and spent thousands of dollars on beautiful glass jars, designer labels, and organic staples. I also invested in items for my household that make me feel rich—a beautiful abundance altar, a solid wood fruit bowl, and coffee table books from authors I admire.
A wardrobe that felt more aligned with who I am. October 2023.
My $350 grocery budget became … let’s just say a lot more. I don’t even look at it anymore, but I’m definitely spending up to $800 on food some weeks.
Living by one of my highest values – food. 2024.
When our savings dipped a little low I drew from my superannuation. Unexpected tax returns bolstered us. My mum loaned us money to pay off our Prado – our biggest asset.
I believed that to attract money, I needed to behave like money will always be there.
And it is true … to an extent!
The only thing missing from the equation was taking action to ensure that the new belief—that money will always be there—was true.
You see, manifestation (or creation, if manifestation is too woo-woo of a word) is all about behaving as if something is already true AND taking small steps to ensure it is true.
I had the first part down pat! But without the second part, taking small steps to attempt to earn money, the money has slowly, inevitably dried up.
And so last week, as I looked at our bank accounts, I faced the fact that there was nowhere else to turn.
We can’t access any more superannuation. The share portfolio has been sold, and there is only $1,000 left in our savings account. We have even spent the kids’ savings, which initially caused me great shame. I can’t even ask Mum for another loan; we’re already $45,000 in debt to her.
The truth is, it’s time to go back to work.
When I realised this, I went straight into victim mode: “Life isn’t fair. This isn’t how society is meant to be. Mothers shouldn’t have to worry about things like this. Capitalism is a flawed system.” And, at the root of it all, “I don’t wanna.”
And I’m not talking about “I don’t wanna” work. On the contrary, I’ve always loved to work. I’m a doer. It’s my nature to do.
I’m talking about, I don’t want to give up my identity as someone who is fearful of money. That identity has been a part of me since I was a small child, and my ego feels very threatened by who I will become when I no longer fear money. That version of Lauren is unknown and, therefore, unsafe.
Money is intrinsically linked to survival, worthiness, and self-love. For a long time, I didn’t have those things. However, things have changed dramatically for me over the last year or so, and this is the next stage.
I carry an entirely new energy these days. 2025.
After grappling with my negative thoughts, fear and “I don’t wanna’s”, all of which are victim/ powerless patterns, I asked myself this …
What if all of this is happening FOR me? What if the universe is saying, “We’ve bailed you out again and again so that when things become very tight, you’ll do what you have to do, and the timing will be divine!”
What if this “deadline”, for want of a better term, is perfectly aligned, and there’s just enough pressure to force me back into the world?
(Because, let’s face it, I could always ask for another loan, sell the car, or shut down the business. There are always more options. It’s not life or death.)
Originally it was essential to me that I launch my Awareness Journal from an energetic place of not needing the money. It felt more integral to market it from a place of non-attachment.
But I’ve since realised that there is no shame in needing money. We all need money to survive within society’s boundaries.
You need money, and I need money. It’s not dirty to talk about it, to want it, or to call it in.
So, I will be launching and selling The Awareness Journal in a few short weeks. This launch will happen just in time for money to clear my bank account and pay my bills.
I am finally birthing this baby to the world. No more excuses, stalling or dragging my feet. 2025.
As I step back into business, I will continue to spend my money on things that are deeply aligned with my values: organic food, travel, beautiful things (in moderation), and self-care.
I will not allow myself to fall back into old scarcity patterns—where $10,000 isn’t enough, $100,000 isn’t enough, and $1,000,000 isn’t enough. That was literally where I was in business before, and it felt disgusting.
I will continue to share my journey with money and self-love. Many others feel and think the same way I do about money. The “it’s never enough” mentality is deeply entrenched in our collective capitalist psyche. As is the conflicting shame of having too much. We’re kind of damned if we do and damned if we don’t, hey?
I will not sacrifice my practices or sacred time with my family to pursue money. Instead, I will build something small and sustainable on my terms, aligned with how I can best serve the world.
A pelican flew overhead as I was taking my sunrise selfie. I will not sacrifice these practices that solidify my mind, body and spirit. Today.
And I will never resort to disingenuous sales psychology to “increase sales.” I trust that the right people will buy from me at the right time, and everything will unfold as it should.
I toyed with writing this email. It feels vulnerable. Most people in my position will wait until they’ve had the big “comeback” before they talk about the journey there.
Here I am including you in the journey itself. I do so in the hope that you can feel less alone in your own journey. We are all more alike than we are different.
Today, I had intended to continue the work I’ve been doing to prepare the Journal for launch, but I’m simultaneously working on my time scarcity stories, which means putting my time into my true desires. Like writing this email and running errands for my daughter’s birthday tomorrow. It will all get done. I am doing enough.
I love you,
Lauren
NB/ The Awareness Journal has since launched and is on sale until the 23rd of April, 2025. Check it out here.
**Originally published to my email database on the 11th of February, 2025**
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