Am I a big hot mess?

A couple of Fridays ago, I had a bad day. I woke up very tired for the second day in a row. I felt low on energy and had a lot to do, including some voiceover work for Dreamboat that I’d already put off several times.

I gauged the situation and decided (incorrectly) that I should plough ahead with the work before I took care of my headspace. Sometimes, work is the answer. Sometimes, like last Friday, it is not. 

I aggressively stood up, shook off the fatigue and got busy setting up my computer, mic and notes for the voiceover work. I got to work. It was hot. I was annoyed. Things weren’t going to plan. It all backfired spectacularly. 

I started texting Dreamboat very passive-aggressively. The fact that he wasn’t answering my phone or message triggered me further, and I said some things I regret. I was out to hurt.

I kept thinking, ” I need to get to the beach, ” then not doing it and instead trying another take of the voiceover. (I did six takes. Number 4 came in at eight and a half minutes and was completely perfect except for a tech issue out of my control towards the end. FARKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!)

It was a bad spiral, albeit a short one. I forced myself to get to the beach, took a quiet afternoon, and ended the day feeling calm and grounded. I thought to myself, ” I should write about this, ” followed immediately afterwards by another thought that I needed to stop writing about the bad days.

Feeling bad.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been considering my vulnerability lately. I wonder if everyone reading this thinks I’m a big hot mess. It reminds me of the days when I thought anyone who showed weakness needed to “just get over it”.

Prior to my awakening, I was just … unconscious. I had bad days; of course I did. But I never acknowledged them as such. I didn’t understand my own body or mind at all. 

Now I do. Intimately. And it’s why I can so succinctly spot where I derail and what brand of sabotage I use. 

In the case of last Friday, I knew I needed a nap, a swim and meditation in that order. I ignored my intuition because I fell back into people pleasing and wanting to do the thing for Dreamboat. I betrayed myself and what I needed for him and what he needed. It’s an old pattern. 

I was out of alignment, removed from my values and in no state at all to be doing performative work like voiceover – where energy is everything. 

Whilst I was in the trigger – furiously texting Dreamboat about how annoyed I was and churning out unusable work – I made the situation mean all kinds of things about me. 

“I’m a pushover, a doormat.”

“Nobody appreciates me.”

“I suck.” Etc.

But shortly afterwards, I was at the beach, diving under the waves and planning my apology to Dreamboat, which he graciously accepted.

I let it wash away and acknowledged that the only thing wrong with me is that I’m not currently sleeping very well because I’m taking care of my baby, a value I am pleased to have. Nothing comes before my babies. 

Since then, I’ve been reflecting on how important it is to feel good. Back in the Phhnix days, we had an expression that we used liberally, “success is feeling good”, but I’m not sure if I ever fully embodied it. 

I’m not sure because I have started to feel good this year. Really, really good. And it doesn’t compare to how I’ve felt in the past in any of my endeavours. Let me share what I’m discovering.

When I started my Awareness Journal practice, the aim was to feel better. By being aware of where I was emotionally and intentionally deciding where I wanted to be, I was well on my way to profoundly and significantly changing my patterns and emotional regulation. 

But waking up feeling guilty, being aware of it, and deciding to feel joyful instead wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. The practice helped a lot, but there was a missing piece, and I’m figuring it out right now. 

Feeling good, truly good, means taking action and doing the things that make you feel good. I can set an intention to feel grateful, joyful, or peaceful all I want, but if I do things that make me feel bad, all of the awareness and intention will have been in vain. 

So, how do I know what makes me feel good? 

Well, awareness helps a lot. I use my Awareness Journal to reflect on my previous day’s actions and shine a light on how they made me feel.

Doing things slowly and intentionally also helps. Slowing down, in general, gives so many gifts! It allows me to be way more in tune with myself.

Knowing my personal values, the things I care about most, helps me identify when I’m feeling bad because I’m out of alignment. 

And then there’s the obvious stuff. We all know that eating cleaner, moving more, minimising screen time, sleeping enough, having enough good-quality water, meditating, and spending time outdoors are proven to improve our quality of life. 

This year, I’ve been intentionally doing more of those things and focusing on feeling good on three levels – mind, body and spirit. 

For my mind, I have started working again, redone my media kit, developed my Awareness Journal, and started pitching myself as an influencer again. I’m also working on an event outline! 

For my body, I’ve begun fasting again (16 hours daily), increased my workouts to 4 a week minimum, and continued my previous good habits (drinking bottled water, going to the beach daily, weekly Pilates, enough sleep). 

For my spirit, I’ve started meditating more and making time each week for personal development. Right now, I’m learning muscle testing, which is helping me connect to my higher self through the language of my body. That’s a whole other story!

I’m finding that doing these things creates a positive emotion loop that affects my nervous system, feelings, thoughts and, therefore, my actions. The better I feel, the better the decisions I make and so forth. 

Late last year, I had an incredible creative download, during which I clearly saw how our entire reality manifests through our thoughts and subsequent emotional experiences. I’ve witnessed how easy it is to get ‘stuck’ in negative loops, and now I’m seeing firsthand how to get stuck in a positive loop. 

The best thing is that when you feel good, everything flows from that place. You’re more open to receiving opportunities. Good things magnetise themselves to you, your vibration increases (another entire email!), and your life can change in an instant.

Right now, I’ve never felt more embodied, expressed and aligned. I have complete faith and trust that the universe will give me everything I desire. I deeply desire to serve humanity and share my gifts and knowledge, and I don’t fear judgment. I feel like the purest, clearest version of myself. And I feel damn good.

Not every day, because I am human, but I feel disproportionately good.  

I know that so many people on this list feel good, too. But if you’ve forgotten how the best place to start is by paying attention to what makes you feel good and doing more of that, Do things that bring you joy. Nourish yourself. Treat yourself like the sacred, beautiful being that you are. Breathe intentionally and find gratitude in your heart for the many miracles in your life. Then, watch the world change. 

I genuinely feel like I’ve come full circle this year. All the years I’ve spent on myself, understanding myself and questioning the meaning of life have led me to this place. And I love it here. I love me. I love you. I love being alive. 

So, am I a big, hot mess? Hell no. I’m a powerful creator living in a human body on planet Earth, desperately trying to remember my divinity. And when I feel good, I remember it well. So, bring on the good times.

Feeling good. 

Love Lauren xx

**Originally published to my email database on the 12th of February 2024**

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Posted to Personal on 12th February 2024