This morning, I was driving to the gym listening to one of my recent favourite songs, “In Dreams”, and the lyrics moved me even more than usual, this verse bringing me to tears:
Beloved child
You are the light of the world
Beloved child
Go out, spread light to the world
Be strong, be kind, be brave
Know your mind
Know that you’re divine
Know that it’s alright to be afraid
It struck me, and not for the first time, that I’ve been sharing very little of my journey of late. Not that I believe I owe it to anyone to share—I don’t. But I’ve discovered such a beautiful way of being this year. My curiosity about myself and an unapologetic quest to undo my patterns have uncovered a love of life that I didn’t think I was capable of experiencing.
And the strangest thing about it is that I feel no desire to show it off, even if I could articulate it a fraction as powerfully as it feels.
In the past, when I’ve used my “platform” to share my life, there has always been an element of ego. Not because I wanted to fool others into believing my life was amazing but because I wanted to fool myself.
Now that I love my life this much, I have not only released my judgment of others but also released the attachment to share. I have strongly released the attachment to want to teach or help others, too. (But let me circle back to that.)
When I think back, my attachment to people’s results was a big part of why coaching was so challenging for me. I wanted to make a difference so badly that I tried to force it. I wasn’t able to sit back in my power and let people/clients deeply FEEL that change was possible, but it was up to them.
My phone screensaver right now is a personal affirmation that reads, “Do what feels good.” I live by those words every day, even down to the minute. And mostly, what feels good is going to yoga, spending extra time with my kids, or cooking, a passion I am rekindling.
Feeling good, 2024.
I want to write or work, but ultimately, those things don’t feel as good as looking up a new recipe and carefully combing through my well-stocked pantry to gather the ingredients and bring it to life or sitting on the quiet beach doing a breathwork sequence and shuddering out stored emotional pain. Certainly, they don’t feel as good as a long sauna and a considered journal practice.
Until today.
As I listened to those lyrics and cried happy tears at the power we each hold to spread light in the world, I wanted, really badly wanted to write.
Each and every one of us has special gifts inside that are begging for expression. And when they are acknowledged and expressed … it is indescribable how powerfully the universe will conspire to reward us. I know this because I have experienced it during my career as a professional Instagrammer.
It is only that I veered off course, and some of us never find the right course to begin with, that I forgot or lost the magic.
Along with creating a life that feels magical, abundant, and free this year, I’ve also been practising non-attachment to all the things that I thought defined me: the money, the successful business, the high-profile friends, the travel, and even more than that.
Last week, I thought that I was going to lose six months’ worth of content about my life and the lives of my children (thanks to my phone taking a brief swim in Port Douglas and some tech issues preventing me from my usual manual photo backup). I grieved the loss before it occurred and found peace with it. They’re just images. The memories are mine and can’t be taken away.
My car is almost up for refinancing, and I find that even the thought of losing my Prado doesn’t worry me.
And after weeks of feeling a certain type of foreboding and avoidance, I finally realised that I had another big decision to make and had a conversation I never imagined I would have in this lifetime. I can’t talk about that one yet; it’s too raw.
The point is there is no part of my world that I’m not willing to burn down in order to feel good. Because when I feel good inside of myself. When my SOUL is nourished, and my BODY is full up of itself, I invite magic into my life and feel a deep sense of purpose and power. I know that I am divine. I know that I am whole. I know I am here to live beautifully and won’t accept anything less.
I am crying as I write this. I never imagined life could feel this BIG. By minimising the hard parts and the pain of the human experience, I stamped down the beautiful parts, too. And there are so many beautiful parts. Our lives are a miracle. Our world is a miracle. How is it that we are here and witness to it all?
Circling back to my desire to write this morning, I had no particular “lesson” to share or outcome I wanted to achieve. I just remembered that showing up can create a ripple of change in the world, and it doesn’t take anything more than being expressed and vulnerable enough to put ourselves out there.
After a long sauna, an insightful journaling session, and an invigorating yoga class, I was settling into my Shavasana (relaxation) when my instructor, Angela, started sharing a newsletter she had received from one of her yoga mentors.
Not only did I find the share deeply relevant to my own practice, but it also solidified my belief that showing up in our own truth is powerful beyond belief. So here I am.
There is a reason why I have a huge Instagram following and a modest email database. It’s not an accident that the universe gave me those things. There is a reason why I find deep pleasure in writing and capturing my life. My skills, passions, and desires are not an accident any more than yours are.
Don’t waste them. And I won’t waste mine.
Be unapologetic with your one precious life. I am finally learning to be unapologetic with mine.
I can’t promise to be more regular with my posts, but I promise you that every time I show up here, it is because I deeply desire to.
I love you.
P.S. Do yourself a favour and listen to that song here.
P.P.S. Since writing this email on Monday, I’ve been on an absolute roller coaster with Covid again. But I can honestly say that when I take away the ‘stories’ about having low energy and sickness and what I make it mean about myself, I can coast through so much better! Don’t forget that Covid last year had me start my ocean swims and create my Awareness Journal Practice. I have built a lot of mental resilience from those two habits over the past almost year.
**Originally published to my email database on the 11th of July, 2024**
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